Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
