ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
