This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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