I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
