i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
