Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
