Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
