I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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