I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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