Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
