oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
