im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
