Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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