i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
