Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
