Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
