I puked a lego.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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