they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
