Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Randomize
