you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
