well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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