I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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