my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
