If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
