I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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