Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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