Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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