I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My ass is underappreciated
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
