Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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