watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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