I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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