so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
