new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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