I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
