i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
