Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
