No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
