my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
