Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
