I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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