Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
