i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
