he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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