last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
