I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
