My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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