i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
