I think my vagina is haunted
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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