he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
