Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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