No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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